When Wants Go Wanting
Theoretically, we have the freedom to do whatever we want, as long is it isn’t harming others or breaking established rules. But we tend not to exercise that freedom.
We place our wants behind shoulds, musts and even needs.
We could chalk this up to any number of societal influences, such as the Puritan work ethic, fear of being considered selfish or the idea that, in order to get what we want, we must first do many things we would rather not do.
Allowing our wants to sink to the bottom of our unfathomable mental list of things to do, however, is rooted in doubt. We doubt not only what we truly want to do, but whether doing what we want is worthwhile.
Want is more complex than the avoidance of pain and seeking of pleasure. We want satisfaction, enjoyment, intellectual and physical challenges, achievement, competence, validation, love, friendship, support, meaning, purpose and the feeling that what we do is, in some measurable way, helpful.
Every day, we are faced with thousands of choices, ranging from potentially life-altering to trivial. Most of our daily decisions fall someplace in the middle, between possibly important and probably inconsequential.
When faced with choice, we tend to err on the side of practical, prudent, necessary and appropriate. Even when we are fairly sure about what we want at a particular point in time, forced to decide what is most important, wants rarely win.
Although we are told to follow our dreams, subtle messages seep into our thought processes over time. Subconsciously, we consider want to be indulgent, impulsive, greedy, hedonistic, short-sighted and perhaps even narcissistic. At some level, we are the aware that our wants are not always best for us or those we care about.
Preferences are a subtler form of wants. We prefer our coffee with milk, Mac over PC, rural rather than city living. Preferences are expected; their absence suspicious.
Our actions provide evidence of our thoughts and decisions. In the public sphere, we are known for what we say and do. When doing what we want turns out poorly for ourselves or others, we may judged arrogant, reckless or thoughtless, even if our intentions were good. Inaction can be interpreted as restraint, caution, consideration, ambivalence or sloth.
There are many instances when what we want overlaps with what we should, need or must do. In these cases, the probability of following through increases exponentially. Not only should you help others, you derive satisfaction from doing so. You must pay the bills, and you love your job. Your body needs proper nourishment and you like vegetables.
More often than we’d like to admit, however, we convince ourselves our wants align with shoulds and musts to avoid conflict within ourselves and with other people. Unless we feel strongly about what we want, going along to get along seems the easier path.
Of course, there’s a downside to delaying, sidelining or suppressing our wants. As much as we try to forget, some of those ignored wants persist in the form of the Undone. They may become resentments, manifesting in ways that bear little resemblance to their origins, or a vague, pervasive regretfulness.
Unlike the sense that we should be doing something we are not, unfulfilled, unforgotten wants produce chronic dissatisfaction with the way things are, the feeling that they could have been better, if only we’d listened to something we can no longer hear clearly.
Wants amount to a smaller percentage of the Undone than shoulds, but they contribute disproportionately to its unsettling vibes, not because we have deprived ourselves of enjoyment or pleasure, but because wants often represent our intuition, gut instincts and what “feels right” in the moment. When that moment has passed - sometimes much later - our hearts tell us something is wrong.
We are, by nature, creative and productive. We want to explore, build, learn, solve problems and change our environment. We derive satisfaction from manifesting our thoughts so that we and others can experience the reality of what we have imagined.
We walk a fine line between listening to our wants and questioning them. Learning when to go with our guts and when to exercise restraint requires making mistakes.
Want comes from within, the purest expression of free will. Doing what we want in the presence of others requires confidence, willingness to tolerate risk, including the possibility of failure.
Delaying, inhibiting or ignoring our wants is, in some situations, the best course of action (or inaction). Acknowledging these decisions consciously prevents them from feeding the Undone. Deciding against what we want - and standing by that decision - is a form of following through.
For most of us, the challenge lies not in restraining ourselves from indulging our wants, but recognizing when we reflexively avoid them or, just as automatically, rearrange our priorities to match what is expected of us.
More than any other motivation, wanting something makes us vulnerable to private disappointment or public rejection.
The Buddha’s 4 Noble Truths spoke directly to this dilemma about 2500 years ago. To paraphrase:
1) Our lives are burdened by the persistent feeling that something is missing or incomplete.
2) Wanting things to be different causes this feeling.
3) The only way to escape this feeling is complete acceptance of the way things are.
4) To achieve peace of mind, we must follow certain steps.
That persistent feeling is the Undone. Unfulfilled, unforgotten intentions are the lifeblood of the Undone. Eliminating its food source will cause the Undone to wither and die.
The Buddha laid out The Eightfold Path to achieve enlightenment.
Freedom from the Undone’s tyranny follows a fourfold path, which does not include the promise of enlightenment.
But that will come later.
For now, we need not be wary of our wants or fully embrace them. The best we can do, which is easier said than done, is acknowledge wants when they arise, decide for or against them and act accordingly.